"I start the day, the war begins," a popular song says, reminding me of my predicament. The Apostle Paul, inspired by God Himself, describes it perfectly, "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing". Romans 7:19 If ever I had a question, THIS IS THE QUESTION!!! WHY, Lord, oh why must I endure this battle every day?
Ever since I made the decision to follow Christ when I was 14, this battle has been present. Only in the last two years of my life it seems it has turned into an all out WAR!! How is it possible that, one moment, I can proclaim with everything in me that I WILL FOLLOW CHRIST, and in the very next moment I can feel consumed by fleshly desires/thoughts/feelings? One example is in my prayer life. This happens to me quite often, I am in (seemingly) earnest prayer, asking that God's will be done in a certain situation, and AT THE VERY SAME TIME, the thought runs through my head, "Maybe if I pray for God's will, He'll be pleased with me and let me have what I REALLY want!!!!! HA! That is absolutely my flesh talking! And even though I KNOW that's my flesh, and I KNOW I don't want to follow my flesh, why do I think that's what I REALLY want? My Spirit knows what I REALLY want is God's will. Nevertheless, these thoughts run through my head and make me despise myself. I think, "If you truly love Christ, Kati, how could you even think such a thing!!??" (And yes, I know that fleeting thoughts aren't necessarily sin, it's the intentional decision to DWELL on those thoughts that becomes sin. Still.)
I often wonder and ask God why He couldn't have set things up differently. After all, I know better than He, right? (grin) Why is it that He couldn't have set up some system that protected us from bad thoughts once we made the decision to follow Him? Silly thing is, I ask these questions and I already know the answers. Christ Himself surely wasn't protected from temptation. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Hebrews 4:15 And I have even been known to argue with God and say, "But you really DON'T understand, because Christ was PERFECT. Human, yes, but still fully God and didn't really have the ability/capacity to sin. Jesus Christ in His life on earth wasn't like me, who has the DESIRE to be holy, yet CAN'T, no matter how hard I try, live it out. No, I don't understand it fully. Just read the verse again, Kati, and TRUST.
Why must we endure this battle? Can't we just skip this life and go straight to HOLY? For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified. Hebrews 10:14 What's up with describing us as "perfected" and "being sanctified" in the same sentence? Christ has already done the work and made us perfect. Gish, I really don't FEEL perfect!! For some reason known only to the Father, He purposes us to live out this life and go through the grueling sanctification process. So we're, in a sense, "becoming what we are". (Piper's words, not mine.) Figure that one out!!!!!! Can't we just skip straight to perfection, Lord? Please? Apparently there's value enough in the process itself that makes God say, "Yes, this is worth it. You MUST go through this."
When I screw up, ex. screaming at my kids, disrespecting my husband, etc., I recognize it pretty quickly as clear-cut SIN. This grieves my heart, and for some reason makes me want to beat myself up. (I've actually physically hit myself at times. You don't have to tell me how stupid that is!) A trusted friend recently told me I need to lighten up on myself. So, where's the balance between grieving over my sin and just accepting Christ's forgiveness and "letting it go"? I know Christ paid the price for my sin and I'm forgiven, that's not the problem. But why has He given me this desire to be holy that I can't reach? It is frustrating that I am not who I want to be, YET. But God's already given us the answer as to why it has to be this way, so I don't know why I keep asking. As I must, for now, live with the frustration, I will continue to need the encouragement from my brothers and sisters until the day I get to go HOME and can experience, at last, PERFECTION, in every sense of the word. And may God give me the grace to be an encouragement for them as they fight the same battle.
The answers to my questions are always found in His Word. I am SO THANKFUL for His Word. Yet, You are so mysterious, God. Thank you for the grace to trust You even when I don't understand.
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?
Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?
For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
2 comments:
Oh Kati, Kati...I've been mulling over this post all day as I did afternoon errands. What to say, what to say...I felt a very strong feeling of defeat after reading this and somehow I want to encourage you to live victoriously regularly.
Why must we endure battles? I can only imagine what kind of person I would be without having to face tough situations, depending on Christ in the process. I have a feeling that the stronger we become as Christians, the stronger our battles might become. Oh dear, that wasn't encouraging, was it?
Let's see...didn't you use this exact phrase with me the other day? "There's no condemnation in Christ." Just because we have wrong thoughts doesn't mean we don't love Christ. We are human, Kati, in the flesh. And the awesome thing is, God's love for us never, ever wavers...no matter what we do!
Yes, Christ is perfect and in Him, we are too! Remember, perfection is not a feeling.
Oh goodness, if you only knew the screw-ups I do on a daily basis...I yell at my kids, get totally frustrated, try to manipulate and control my husband, have impure thoughts, etc., but I KNOW (and I know you know too) that NOTHING can seperate me from God's acceptance of me. Focus on the positives of being in Christ, a child of His. I think your friend was right...you ARE too hard on yourself. :-)
And here's the really cool part...I love you, Kati girl...just the way you are! And if I do, think how much more Christ does!
Thank you, Margaret. You are an encouragement to me--and I know you understand! You're right--I think the closer we draw to Him, the more challenges He throws our way, teaching us to rely on Him even more. And you can bet I think twice before I ask him to help me grow more. I've learned through experience now that if I ask, He almost always provides me with a doozy of a challenge!!
It is a TOUGH cycle, but a GOOD one, because we're becoming more like Jesus with each battle. It is in the MIDST of these battles when we doubt whether or not the whole process is "worth it". (And when we will really need encouragement from others.) Then when we come out on the other side of a battle we are one step closer to the likeness of Christ and can joyfully accept this difficult process.
Whew!! All I can say is I'm really thankful for two things:
1. This won't last forever. I'm going HOME soon!!!
2. In the meantime, God has provided us with each other to share our burdens. Thank you!!
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