I had been thinking recently about posting on modesty anyways, then today I visited our church's blog, where our pastor had posted a link to an article on modesty by C.J. Mahaney. This blog gives excerpts from a his yet-to-be-released book, Worldliness: Resisting the Seduction of a Fallen World. Wow!! Really good article--take the time to read at: http://sovgracemin.org/Blog/post/Worldliness-Resisting-the-Seduction-of-a-Fallen-World-CJ-Mahaney.aspx I was aching to leave a comment right there on the church blog that people (especially women) should read the WHOLE article, and not just the section on fathers teaching their daughters modesty, as was suggested. But I realized I had way too much to say than could be left in a comment.
Modesty has always been a huge issue for me. There is NO self-righteousness in saying that. By "issue", I mean I've struggled with it A LOT over the years. As with everything else, it seems another example of the battle between the flesh and the Spirit. When I read the above article, (and I'm not exaggerating here) my heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my whole body. This shows how much I've wrestled with the issue. Through the years I've read books on modesty, and prayed much that God would give me the right heart when I dress (and when I shop). I have seriously considered many times setting up "restrictions" for myself regarding my dress. (Such as choosing to wear ONLY skirts or dresses). However, my desire is not to resort to any form of legalism in order to "protect myself" from sin. I am aware that sin begins in the HEART, and what a person wears may or may not reflect what is in the heart. So, I guess I've concluded that protecting myself by setting up rules wouldn't do a thing to guard my heart. It must be an intentional decision, DAILY, to honor God, and to help protect my brothers from sin when I choose my dress.
Without any system of "rules", though, it presents a problem whenever preparing to go outside the house. Modesty is quite relative. How short is too short? How tight is too tight? And so on. I've struggled in particular with whether or not its appropriate to wear pants at all. I don't care for the way I look in "baggy" pants. Therefore, the only other option is pants that form closely to the body. Because of this, I've resolved so many times that only dresses or skirts would be appropriate for me to wear outside the house. Usually I stick with my "resolution" for a day or two. Then I rationalize that its too legalistic, too impractical (I'd have to buy many new clothes and we can't afford it), or I see other women (whom I respect and consider godly) wearing pants, so I reason, "What's the big deal?", I give up my resolve, and you'll see me walking around in jeans again. So, what do you think?
Here's another aspect: How do you, with grace, approach a sister who is dressing immodestly? In the article, Mahaney warns us to "be on guard against the temptation to be self-righteous toward those who choose differently". (He is specifically talking about wedding attire in this instance, but I think it applies to dress in general.) While I consider this good advice, isn't it our responsibility to encourage an immodestly dressed sister to consider how her dress is affecting the man sitting behind her in church? Once again, I remind you that I'm not speaking as if I'm the perfect example of modesty. I still struggle. Tell me what's appropriate. And PLEASE love me enough to gently point me to Christ if you ever see me dressing to please men and not our Lord.
I would appreciate comments on this one. This is a huge issue for us as sisters in Christ and I think we need to talk more about it.
8 comments:
Good post! This is such a hard issue because people have many different views on what is modest and what is not.
I agree that sometimes this issue borders on legalism also. For a short time in my life I grew up in an extremely legalist church and just making up rules, such as, only skirts can have disadvantages also. I think pants can be much more appropriate to wear than skirts (in different circumstances). An example of this would be when I worked in the nursery last week and was wearing a skirt (it went past my knees) but it was REALLY hard to sit down with the kids and play without exposing myself.
Bottom line for me is that if Jason does not agree with something I am trying on then I do not buy it. If he thinks it is going to draw attention to the wrong areas than it is not an option.
One more thing .... I did not mean for it to sound that Jason is my Holy Spirit. There have been times when I have tried on something and thought it was questionable. I guess I have to ask myself am I wearing this to draw attention because it makes me feel a certain way??
This is a really hard topic!! I am trying to get the dishes done during Owen's nap but I keep thinking about this. Okay got to go. I am sure I will comment again later!! :)
I totally agree that the husband can be a good gauge as to whether or not something's appropriate. But you're right, Jodi, he's not the "final word". There have been things I was iffy on, and asked Matt's opinion, and he thought it was okay, but I still ended up choosing not to wear it, just not feeling right about it.
It is important to always ask ourselves WHY we want to wear something. But that's only half the issue. Regardless of why we're wearing it, it may still affect a man the wrong way, and cause him to fall into sin. And to think we are partly responsible for that sin. I don't ever want that on my shoulders!!
since i don't have a figure that draws anyone's attention, i don't really have any advice for you.
i CAN say, however, that i sure wish my female students would desire to dress modestly. it's already nearly impossible to hold the attention of my male students for 40 minutes a day. add a provocatively dressed girl or two who knows the power of her sexuality, and i might as well give up. lack of support from the administration (in soooo many areas of discipline) makes it not worth my time to address unless it's just shocking.
on the other hand, i do agree with both you and jodi that trying to deal with my sinful desires by imposing legalistic standards on my behavior doesn't work for long.
Modesty- I've spent many hours dealing with the subject. It's very important to me (especially now that I have 3 daughters) and I have felt very strongly that it's not being taught to our young ladies enough. I have even had a mini-seminar in my home with young girls titled "Purity in the Heart". This is where modesty really starts. I believe what a person wears DOES reflect what is in the heart.
We can learn a lot about what God desires when we study Scriptures that contrast the wise and foolish woman. We can learn what self-control really is. It is being respectable, gracious, decent...
Women struggle primarily with the propensity to be deceived and to control man. We can easily be deceived about what is modest or not and we can just as easily use our bodies to control men.
Purity includes not just our bodies, but also our minds, hearts and spirits. It encompasses our attitudes, actions and character. Compromising tells others that my mind and heart are not focused on pleasing Christ.
If we make a list of do's and don'ts, this only addresses the physical, not the heart. As we prayerfully seek to make wise choices, we must ask ourselves "Am I loving my neighbor or am I loving myself?"
I agree that our husbands can't be our "Holy Spirits", but they have a perspective we can't have. I have read several books on men and our influence over them. It is important to understand their natures. I believe Godly men are trying desperately to honor their commitment to have pure eyes. We MUST honor that. I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER put on something that Jerald disapproved of; if he doesn't have an opinion, than I will trust the Spirit's promptings.
We have to ask ourselves what our goal or vision is. We want purity to be a lifestyle, affecting all areas of our life. We want to have a plan for integrity. We want to find our acceptance in our relationship with Jesus Christ.
Ultimately, those of us who have daughters in the home, we have to ask ourselves if our walk is matching our talk. Our children observe and learn from what we do. What are we teaching them about modesty?
Great post, Kati...thanks for bringing this issue to the front again.
Dee--I don't envy you trying to deal with it in the classroom!! UUGGGGHHH!!!!
Margaret--Wow, preach it, sister!! As my daughter is only 5, I'm just beginning to run into problems in choosing clothes for her. Thankfully most of her clothes are handed down to us from my sister, who is also pretty particular about what she lets her girls wear.
But you're totally on it--it is all about the HEART and I want to make sure I teach that to my daughter and try to somehow (with LOTS of God's grace) direct her heart to desire purity. You are right in the middle of it, Margaret, with your girls. I may be at your doorstep often in the coming years asking for HELP!!!
One more thing--when I said that what someone wears MAY or MAY NOT reflect what is in the heart--I was referring to times when someone may dress immodestly completely out of IGNORANCE of what it does to men, not necessarily out of a wrong heart motive. I think this is an EXCEPTION to the rule for the most part, as I think MOST women and even teenage girls are VERY WELL AWARE of what immodest dress does to guys!!
Keep the comments coming. This is fun!!
Thanks for the post, KT, it's an issue that I think we should talk about more. I have the same question about how to gracefully approach a sister who is dressed immodestly. I believe that it is love for them that motivates me- I just don't know how to do it! Same as you, Katie, I confess that this is an area I struggle... so I welcome advice. O- and I can totally relate--- I often want to make legalistic rules for myself =(
Wow, good discussion and lots of great insight!
I actually haven't read the article yet, but I think that when it comes to modesty, dads have got to be vigilant with their little girls, so that they learn good habits from their early years. and it's important for us moms to support our husbands in this; I've watched several different mothers undermine their husbands' attempts to get their girls to dress modestly, with disastrous results.
I also agree that it's a heart issue. A woman can dress with outward modesty, while conducting herself in a provocative way. fortunately, there are plenty of ways to dress attractively without drawing attention to the wrong things - godliness doesn't have to equal frumpiness, thank goodness!
as to lovingly confronting a sister re: modesty, that's a tough one! I've had to talk with girls in the youth group at times, and girls on my hall in college as an RA, but it's much more difficult to say something to a friend or peer. we need to do it, though, first to protect our brothers (they can't really confront the issue with another woman without coming across as a pervert), and second, to protect the woman herself - both physically and spiritually. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend . . . " (Proverbs) We must approach this with humility, acknowleging our own tendency to sin in this area. at first, the sister may be offended, but I guarantee, it will make her more aware of the way she is dressing and eventually she may even be appreciative that someone cared enough to do the hard thing out of love. I say this as someone who as been approached about this very topic in the past. It wasn't, I believe, done in the ideal way, and upset me greatly, but I will say that i now think much more carefully before deciding what to buy/wear. the important thing is not to pounce on every little thing; but particularly, if you know thhe way someone dresses is distracting to your husband or other men in the church, that is a big deal and needs to be addressed. as a church, we don't want to get caught up in legalism by legislating dress, but we as women can help to keep one another accountable in this area.
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